6 Gifts You Can’t Buy Because You’re An Infertile Disgrace

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Do you find coloring leads you into a meditative state where any intrusive thoughts about your childlessness can’t interfere?   Well, this book is not for you.

 

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Document all those months where it’s you.  Just you.

 

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Count down the days until you’re over 35 and considered to be of Advanced Due Date with lower odds of IVF succeeding with this scratch-off calendar.

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What could be a more tear-inducing way to make a baby announcement than presenting your mother-in-law with the letters for “Grandmother” in Morse code?  Just get her another fucking scarf,  like last Christmas.

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Brimming with personal prompts, this nostalgic set of 40 cards is meant to be sent and shared between grandparents and their grandchildren to create meaningful and lasting memories.   But, your parents will probably die before you get pregnant.

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Don’t let’s get started on the onesies you could buy JUST IN CASE.  Oh my GoSH, you could do cosplay for all your newborn photos, how cute would that beeeee?STOP IT.  Focus on how most newborns are hideous, like this one.  (Just kidding to whomever’s baby this is, I’m certain the baby behaves in a very cute manner which endears it to those it depends upon for survival .)

 

 

 

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Instant glam with glitter lips

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I love doing partial drag queen makeup when I go to shows and I used to be into doing eyes, but I’ve gotten lazy.  No, I’m not lazy, just not sleeping well.  Now my go-to look is Tarte BB primer, mascara, and a dramatic lip.

When I saw Eboni on MasterChef with her unmoving glitter lipstick (and gorgeous hair and face AND she’s an addiction counselor who raised a baby with her husband in a car during the Chicago winter at the age of 16), I needed that lewk.  Trent suggested I go to Instagram.

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Let us worship her.

Most of their colors are sold out or not featured on their website, so I started with Ace of Spades and their Magic Stick.

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The white base does remind me a bit of glue in texture and smell and how it rubbed off with water.  But if glue is what it takes to have lip glitter, so be it.  Then you pat on the fine glitter with your fingers.  It can be messy.  If you have extremely miniscule makeup glitter, you could use it with this base.  I took a photo with a face mask on but it may be too frightening so just imagine me looking like the woman above.

You can be a spoonie and still sparkle.  And then everyone can say, you look so good!  And not know how many painkillers you’re on.

I’m beginning to think Cary Deuber’s husband is a narcissist

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  • Multiple wives and cheating allegations
  • Selects wife’s clothing choices a la Kanye, another way to control his own image by extension

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  • Uninterested/visibly annoyed by his own child
  • Jealous of his own child taking Cary’s time and attention away from him
  • Chose to be a doctor, specifically, a plastic surgeon who controls how other people’s bodies look, as a profession
  • Controlling – Cary after choosing to care for her daughter full-time rather than work for her husband: He just doesn’t like it cause I’m the boss at home and he can’t be the boss at work.
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Mark is upset that his child is displaying age-appropriate behavior.  Unlike himself.

Reddit agrees so it must be true.  Cary has a strong personality so maybe there’s something in this for her long-term; sorry, not gonna say it’s a healthy, equal partnership, but if she signed up for some other agreement, do you.  She has also been married twice before which is a statistical outlier for her age group.  R

eally jealous of her sex life.  “If we’re only having sex once a day, you know there’s a problem.”  Or not?  Maybe I’m sane if Mark’s behavior is a huge turn-off for me.

Therapy advice from Hannibal Lecter

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A therapist’s life is equal parts counsel and curiosity.  You send a patient on a path and wonder where that path will take them.

 

Therapy only works when we have a genuine desire to know ourselves as we are. Not as we would like to be.

 

A boy’s illusions are no basis for a man’s life.

 

We have a deep-seated need to interact with our children.  It helps us discover who we are.

 

Every creative act has its destructive consequence.

 

What we do for ourselves dies with us.  What we do for others lives beyond us.

 

Even the worst of us deserve therapy.

 

Crossing boundaries is different than violating them.

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Totally normal psychiatrist-client relationship

From Hannibal’s own therapist, Bedelia du Maurier:

 

Some psychiatrists are so hungry for insight that they may try to manufacture it.

 

The traumatized are unpredictable because we know we can survive.

 

It’s nice when someone sees us…Or has the ability to see us. It requires trust. Trust is difficult for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Urologist check-in

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A day where my vagina gets to stay hidden

I had my monthly check-in with a nurse practitioner in my urology practice.  She is due next month and has IC too!  So we recommended nightlights and motion-activated LEDs to one another and I felt a bit better that one night she decided to pee herself because the bathroom was too far away.  I’ve been tempted.

She played around with my insurance and prescriptions a little so I can stay on them as long as possible once 2018 rolls around.  I got more samples of Myrbetriq.  Myrbetriq is Class C so I could switch to over-the-counter Oxytrol patches when I’m trying to conceive.  Since I started vaping CBD oil two weeks ago, she suggested waiting until six weeks when Myrbetriq reaches peak effectiveness, and then going off for two weeks (to get medication out of my system) and see if I notice a difference.  If I don’t, there’s no point in continuing Myrbetriq and all states should legalize medical marijuana.  As for the hellish periods, the APN says if they continue for two more cycles to check in and we may discontinue Elmiron for a month.  I’ll go to the urologist again in late December and from there, visits are biannual.

Once again, there was only one other person in the room without gray hair and they were helping an older patient fill out an intake form.